It has taken me a week to figure out why revisiting the apartments at San Bruno Terrace rocked me so badly.
If you feel like you are coming into the middle of a conversation, then you need to go back to the blog Saying Goodbye #2 and read the first part of the story.
In a nutshell, it had to do with legitimacy.
One of my legitimacy crutches was that I was legitimate because I had bigger/better/wiser/righter perspective than others around me.
And certainly, at that point in time, I was quite sure I saw the big picture and saw it clearly.
In retrospect, I was horrified at how trivial and small my perspective was, not to mention how wrong. That is what took me out so badly last week.
Once I knew where the issue was, I fast forwarded from the crash at 26 years old to the CRASH at 33 years old when God began to talk to me about legitimacy and the fact that it came from design, not performance.
There I began to come to terms with the fact that God designed me before the foundation of the world in a package that brought Him pleasure and that original design still brings Him pleasure.
And I suddenly saw what God had been doing in the last three months. It seemed as though every couple of weeks, on some news site, I noticed a story of the discovery of an old car in a barn somewhere. The headline would read that the car was worth $30K or $130K or whatever.
The ACTUAL picture was of a rusted out wreck of a junker, but the car enthusiast could “see” what it was originally designed to be, and through all of the mess the car was still in, and knowing full well that it was going to take a stupendous amount of work to restore it, they still were stirred emotionally because of their clear grasp of how wonderful the original was.
Clearly God has been sending me the same message again and again. He remembers my design and still thinks He did a pretty good job. The things I have messed up in my life are not bigger than His ability to restore, nor are they big enough to block His view of who I was, and who I can become, in His hand.
And the fact that I genuinely WAS deceived about my magnificent perspective on life, didn’t change the fact that I WAS walking in design. I am a lover. I love deeply, passionately and express my love in sundry ways. That has been crunched and punched, folded and stapled, mutilated and macerated over the years, but back then, the young love was beautiful and God enjoyed watching me enjoy my joy, being myself, the way He designed me to be.
And I AM an incorrigible visionary and dreamer. Even though my dreams were built on some flimsy foundations, and eventually crashed and burned, I was being myself, and He was enjoying my joy as Ann and I built our sand castles and changed the world repeatedly over dinner.
He invited me to enjoy the fact that I was being me in those areas, and it was good, and the fact that the package was woefully incongruent, did not in any way mean that those areas were not me, were not my design and were not beautiful to Him.
That was something I could do. Took some chewing! And a couple of hard swallows. I could eventually wrap my arms around the incongruity and be OK with the beauty.
Then He dropped the bombshell.
He pointed out that my perspective is just as deficient now as it was then, relatively speaking.
Back then, I had the vast wisdom of a second grader, looking down at the abysmal ignorance of a preschooler. I explained with vast confidence that the epistles were the wives of the apostles, and other such things that second graders understand to perfection.
And now I am the tenth grader, confidently factoring polynomial equations, looking down on the second grader who didn’t know a factor from a factory.
I don’t have the perspective of a Nobel Prize winner, but I still have legitimacy in His eyes, (and mine if I want it) because I am still walking in my design.
Admittedly, my ability to love, laugh and dream has never fully recovered from the cruelty of life, (although I do from time to time make some of you laugh) but I am walking in other portions of my design in this season.
I can at times write, diagnose the root of some problem, or move someone to a place of awe. Good things. They bring Him pleasure. Even though my life is still incongruent.
And He invites me to enjoy my legitimacy now, just because He enjoys my design.
This could work.
Copyright April 2018 by Arthur Burk